Why Is Inner Child Work Important? If you were ever a child, you could benefit from some form of inner child work.
I believe everyone could benefit from some sort of inner child work. Self love, self respect, self confidence, healthy boundaries, self care are all part of inner child work.
During our childhood we are sponges, taking it all in, learning from the world around us. We are learning from what we see, hear and experience, not just what is intentionally taught to us.
As adults we can logically understand some circumstances better from an adult point of view. However, we may not realize that our beliefs, values and behavior patterns acquired in childhood, might be whats holding us back from reaching our potential.
Nobody had a perfect childhood. No person is perfect, no family or parents are perfect. We’re all only human, and perfection doesn’t exist. Even well meaning, loving parents can make damaging decisions. Life happens, and even the most healthy mentally sound adults can have situations in life that affect the children in their care. Children can also witness or be subjected to mentally confusing or damaging events that the parents may not have ever been aware of.
This doesn’t mean they were bad parents, we’re bad parents, or that we are all doomed.
I believe we are meant to go through some hard times, to learn and grow from them. To gain healthy coping skills, to learn to navigate life. We become empowered each time we overcome a difficult issue.
When a baby is learning to walk they fall down with each step. The little one doesn’t conclude that they will never walk, or they’re a failure. No, they just keep getting up again, and with each step they grow in their confidence. They know they’re able to take one or two steps, so next time maybe it will be three or four. They become elated and ….. fall down. But get back up, with stronger legs and with more control.
An oak tree will grow its roots further down, and its trunk becomes stronger with each storm it goes through. Those that never experience any storms will not live as long. Have you heard the analogy of a “hothouse flower”? Very delicate and may not be able to withstand very much because it has been overly protected.
Okay enough analogies, I hear you!
So why then, is inner child work so important, since our childhoods are in the past and we can’t change them. Or if we’re not striving for perfection? While it’s true that you cannot change your past, that was just the beginning of your story. You had no control over the first 18-20 years (or so). As an adult you now have a bit more control and can make your own decisions.
Inner child work can be learning to let loose and allow yourself to play for the sake of fun and creative flow without expectations – without any attachment to the outcome. Just play for the sake of play, no scores, no timelines or rules.
We may need to honor and show love to the little one inside of us. Give yourself what you needed in the past, “reparent” yourself. Make a connection and have a silent conversation in your mind’s eye. Just a few ways inner child work is carried out.
Inner child work, Inner child healing or even just connecting with your inner self, can be beneficial in ways even unexpected.
Please always remember, when it comes to therapy or treatments of any kind, there is never one type that is the best fit for all. I specialize in inner child work through Hypnotherapy. Mainly from my own childhood issues, that I realized much too late had an impact on my whole life. Also realizing that many of my clients issues were rooted in childhood.
Thank you so much for being here. I love hearing from you all. What did you think about this article? Any suggestions for future articles? Always feel free to reach out with any questions, comments or concerns, OR to schedule your free consultation to find out how Breakthrough Hypnotherapy can help you.
Please take care, inside and out. Pamela Topjian, LVN, CHt
I know some may think they’re the perfect parent, and they’ll give all kinds of advice. This writing is not about parenting advice, or how to be the perfect parent.
I’ve decided to write about this since lately I’ve noticed quite a few people talking about and posting about being worried that they are (or have) negatively affecting their kids mental health; having made mistakes in the lives of their children, or possibly even causing trauma for their children.
As parents we want the best for our kids. We want them to have a better life than we had. We just want them to be well adjusted, happy, productive citizens. Above all, we want them to know they are loved. We can’t help but to worry about our own shortcomings as parents, or even mental challenges, and illnesses causing excess stress, or undo harm to our children.
Well, I’m here to remind you that nobody is perfect, the perfect parent doesn’t exist, because the perfect person doesn’t exist. Please don’t be so hard on yourselves.
We have to realize that even though we don’t want to see our children go through anything hard, sometimes hard times make us stronger, more compassionate and wiser. The most amazing people I know have been through some trauma, and come through on the other side of it all as such inspirational, wise and strong people. Many have made it through, to be a voice for those suffering, or become professionals that help those going through similar situations that they went through.
It’s so hard, as you’re going through something, to try to keep that from having an effect on our loved ones. It’s even harder to stand back and watch our children go through something tough, knowing that tough love or learning through experience is really the best way. Of course our babies are born and we love them unconditionally. We are hardwired to protect them, but there is a fine line, a balance to try to keep.
We want to avoid the ‘hot house flower’ effect. The extremes of the ‘helicopter parent’ and the neglectful parent. It’s hard to keep that balance sometimes. Especially if we, as parents didn’t have a good childhood ourselves.
It’s unbelievable that we can just have this huge responsibility without any training or testing other than our own lives.
It’s okay to admit mistakes, and admit you did or said something you shouldn’t have to your children. It’s a very good practice, in fact, no matter if the children are six or sixteen ( or even 36) to have a conversation about stress and making mistakes and how hindsight works. Mistakes and apologies are great teachers. We want our children to know we are only human and we realize that we have lived and learned and had some hard times and may have said or done things we regret or could have handled differently. I think children respect that honesty and it helps build trust, as well as showing our children we understand mistakes are made and how important apologies are.
Teach what a full apology is to our children by example
There is a saying that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” I don’t agree at all. We are all only human and human nature is not perfect. Life can get stressful and mental issues are prevalent. Honesty and apologies are showing love. Love is saying your sorry when you make a mistake or even years later when you realize how your actions or words could have been handled differently to lessen the harmful effects on others.
There are practices to help with forgiveness that I wrote in a previous article: How Can I Forgive. Mainly about forgiving ourselves. In Hypnotherapy we can learn to forgive ourselves or our own childhood issues with inner child work. Of course Hypnotherapy is not the only way in which to do this. Please always remember, when it comes to therapy or treatments of any kind, there is never one type that works for all.
Thank you so much for being here. I love hearing from you all. What did you think about this article? Any suggestions for future articles? Always feel free to reach out with any questions, comments or concerns, OR to schedule your free consultation to find out how Breakthrough Hypnotherapy can help you.
Please take care, inside and out. Pamela Topjian, LVN, CHt
As a woman in her 50’s with two divorces behind me, and in my first year of my third marriage, I think I have some insight into relationships and marriage.
Relationships are not just romantic relationships. We have relationships with family, friends, co-workers, work partners or even acquaintances. While still in February, however, I thought I’d write about relationships as in dating, romantic partners and marriages. Love, pain and shame.
Divorce: There is no shame to have been divorced several times. It shows that you are willing to stand up for yourself, to be willing to admit when a relationship isn’t working. More important is the courage to get yourself out of an unhealthy (or for some, abusive) situation. We live, we learn and grow. Staying stuck in an unhealthy situation isn’t something to do just because you don’t want to divorce, or divorce yet again.
Love: Joan E. Childs, LCSW Author, and relationship expert said “Love is a living thing” and that struck me. A living thing needs to be fed and nurtured to grow.
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” Thich Nhat Hanh
Many say love takes work. At this point in my life I don’t see true love as work. it’s been freeing for me, it’s made life so much easier than ever before actually.
Some of you may have read my story , it’s a long read, but it does show where I’m coming from. Love needs to be nurtured, like a living thing, yes, but not work.
As mentioned earlier, I was married twice. At the time I do believe I thought I was in love, at least in the beginning. What did I know of love? My parents divorced when I was young, and I had no positive examples of good relationships around me. The feeling I had in my first two marriages wasn’t anywhere near what it is today with my husband. A feeling of being respected, and understood, and equal in the partnership. I’m very happy to have divorced twice to get to where I am today in my life and relationship. Again, we live, we learn and grow. That’s what life is about. Then helping others through what we’ve learned in our own experiences. It will have all been for naught if we can’t look back and feel good about where we are. Knowing we have grown from the past, and at least try to share our own life lessons. To help others see they are not alone, and they too have no reason to feel ashamed. To be proud of standing up for themselves, for moving on with their lives rather than staying in unhealthy situations. Or just settling out of fear of the unknown or having a stigma attached.
Settling: I do not use the term “settling” as meaning, not good enough, or up to my standards or not perfect. I mean to say, not right for me. Settling, is about being okay with just being okay, and not excited or feeling fully into it. Settling is the difference between a dress or suit from the thrift store, and one tailor made for you.
My point is: Life is short. Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t stay, if it’s just okay.
A divorce is not a failed marriage, a break up is not a failed relationship. We live and learn as we grow. We also change and grow during our time with someone. They may choose to stay in the same situation, because they’re comfortable to be settled and may fear change, or the unknown, while you work on bettering your life or thrive on continued growth. You may find deeper meaning in life, while they may go down a more self destructive path. You may even just grow in different directions. There certainly are many possible scenarios. The most important thing is that we have learned from each relationship. It’s not a test that you pass or fail. However it’s all a lesson.
There is a quote that says something to the effect of each person comes into our lives for a season or a reason, a lesson or a blessing.
We live almost 100 years, the first 20 we are basically kids – so that leaves 80 years of living, learning, growing, evolving, this may mean different people come to share in our lives with us, and be our partners or lessons. This is not to say that it isn’t possible with one relationship during our whole lifetime, it definitely is possible and that’s amazing when it truly works out that way. I just don’t want people to feel stuck out of shame or guilt. To realize growth in relationships is a good thing, even expected, and that growth doesn’t always happen together.
Self love is so important to having a truly loving relationship with another. Sometimes people come together out of shared pain, and work on themselves together – this can be an equal and loving partnership too. Still you are taking care of yourself with support and encouragement, being equal. Sometimes people try to save or fix the other. Often becoming codependent and have unhealthy attachments. Watch for this, if you are two wounded hearts coming together. Your pain and mental health issues cannot be your only connection if you want a truly healthy relationship.
Fear of trying again after loss. Love is not something to fear because you haven’t had good relationships in the past. People often give up, saying that it’s not worth the pain. Love isn’t painful. We are social beings and thrive with human contact. Find out the deeper reasons the past relationships haven’t worked. Why are you attracting those types or why are you being attracted to those types that are not right for you? Step back and notice what happens during the relationships, are there patterns? Most often there are deeper issues than what it first appears. Heal within yourself, there’s that self-love aspect again. Reach out, seek help, a counselor or therapist may help your whole life change for the better, not just your relationships and love life.
There are many types of counselors and therapists out there. As I always mention, what works best for one does not work well for all. It does take patience and diligence to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. This too is a type of relationship. A good therapist will want you to find the best fit for you and care mainly that you get the help best suited for you.
Interested in finding out if Hypnotherapy is a good fit for you? Consultations are always free of charge with a basic stress reducing sample session included. Find out more on the Breakthrough Hypnotherapy homepage.
Thank you all for being here! I love to hear from you. Please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns. I’m happy to consider suggestions for new articles as well.
Please take care, inside and out! Pamela Topjian, LVN, CHt
PTSD is an acronym for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and CPTSD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Many people are under the impression that PTSD is mainly from those who have had combat experience. We can all understand how those that have lived through gunfire or bombs falling around them, would be panicked during a fireworks display, or startled when something falls on the floor unexpectedly, or feel panicked in crowds. Just to mention a few examples.
Defining Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
We may not realize that any traumatic event, regardless of our age, gender, or having our lives in danger, can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The actual definition from Merriam-Webster dictionary is: a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.
The APA (American Psychological Association) defines PTSD: is an anxiety disorder caused by a traumatic event, such as combat, a natural disaster or crime, or even a traffic accident. It may affect personal relationships or health
From the NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health): (PTSD is) a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.
If you have any trauma in your past, or living daily with trauma from living in a toxic living situation, you likely are suffering with PTSD. Sometimes we don’t even realize it, thinking instead that you have trouble sleeping, don’t like crowds, or get inexplicable bouts of high emotions because you’re just sensitive. Some may even feel completely numb, just going through the motions of everyday life.
Any of these could be a sign of PTSD.
Oftentimes it’s the “strong” ones, the ones who are healers or helpers that don’t realize they actually have PTSD. They themselves may be reluctant to reach out for help. They may think that others live through so much worse, so they just need to live with it.
Many people will think, “Something to help me sleep is all I need”, rather than getting to the root of the issue.
Many feel they may be overly “sensitive” or have had therapy for a childhood traumatic event, so don’t relate the issues facing them now, as still causing issues and may actually be PTSD or CPTSD.
Regardless of the label or clinical diagnosis, please reach out if you’re feeling any anxiety, depression which causes all kinds of other issues throughout life. You may not realize your life or that a specific event in your life, was actually traumatising.
As I always say, there is not one type of therapy or treatment that is best for all. It does take patience and diligence to find a good fit.
There are many types of therapists, with varying specialties, at different education and training levels.Having a therapist you’re comfortable with is most important. Any therapist of any kind will be open about their training and education.
You will find my own information here “Meet Your Hypnotherapist”
If you’re interested in learning how hypnotherapy might be helpful for you, reach out with any questions or concerns. Consultations are always free and include a sample session so you can see how it feels for you.
Thank you so much for being here. I love to hear from you all. I’m open to suggestions for other article topics you would like to see me write about, as well as any thoughts on this or any other articles.
Stay well, inside and out. Pamela Topjian LVN, CHt
There are many ways to help you through the healing process. There is not just one way that is the best, or one way that will be helpful for all. My last article was a basic overview of Childhood Trauma.
In that article, I mentioned this next one I would have more information about healing from Childhood trauma.
Self care is vital. Balance is important. The mind and body work together. Our outer world and inner world also work together. Even basic self care that most of us are aware of but also, most of us are lacking in, believe it or not, is part of healing. Eat a balanced healthy diet. This includes staying well hydrated with good clean water, getting enough good sleep, having a spiritual or mindfulness practice that you are comfortable with, a social network (no, this doesn’t include social media). Now more than ever, to have a connection with friends and family in a safe manner is important for our mental well being. Getting exercise and having hobbies you enjoy is important, and last but not least, remember good hygiene. This is a basic list, not in any particular order. Oftentimes these self care basics are overlooked as a result of the trauma from the past that is disrupting our own self care.
If you don’t have the skills or knowledge for self care due to neglect in your childhood, please do not be embarrassed to reach out, you are not at fault.
Reach out. Ask your doctor or primary care provider, or even a trusted friend or loved one. If you’re in therapy (of any kind) bring this issue up to them and they will be happy to help you, completely judgement free. Medical and mental health professionals are there to help you in any way they can. They may refer you or give you other resources they think will be more helpful if they aren’t a good fit. You also are free to search for another, if you don’t feel heard or understood. It does take patience and diligence to find a good fit sometimes when it comes to the right treatment plan for you.
Self care is usually thought of as spa days, and little luxuries, or gifts we give ourselves. It’s so much more than that. However, it does help with self-love, self-respect and confidence.
Painting by Pamela Topjian
Self-help techniques for childhood trauma. Journaling can be helpful to become clear on your thoughts and feelings. If you’re unsure where to start, ask yourself what your inner child needs to know, what would you like to tell that little one inside of you? Writing your story is very healing as well, I recently have done this myself. See: “Your Story Matters”
Try writing letters to people without the intention of sending them, even to those who are deceased, or who may be dangerous to contact. Write it all out, then bury it, or burn it, or both. Have a silent conversation with a person or even a situation, imagine what you would say, what did you need to say in the past but never had the chance? What would you like to say now from your adult perspective? You can do this in meditation, while on a walk, or even just laying in bed before you go to sleep.
Healing through art is helpful. It’s a creative outlet for those stuck emotions, or can be a way to help unwind and relax, something to focus on that keeps your mind from any negative or racing thoughts. You don’t have to have any skill or take any lessons or wait for a class, unless you want to, but you don’t have to.
I started painting at a particularly stressful time in my life in 2019 just for the fun of it, just to have some way to express myself creatively. I never had a class and didn’t care about the outcome but in less than 2 years have come a long way in my painting. It’s not even about the finished product still, it’s the process that is so healing, and therapeutic. I had no idea it would be so therapeutic for me.
There are trained certified art therapists if you’re interested in finding one, which will be more helpful than taking an art class or course when it comes to using art as a form of therapy. If this sounds interesting to you, please don’t wait – pick up a pencil now and start doodling, get a few cheap paint brushes and some art pad… start today.
My own Painting, Breakthrough Woman, by Pamela Topjian
I have had a couple clients that journal with art and words, it’s so amazing what they come up with, I’m so honored when they share with me.
There are many books on childhood healing, or healing from childhood trauma and CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some from spiritual perspectives, some from therapists and others from medical doctors. Check your local bookstore or an online shop to see the variety of books. Read the reviews and descriptions to find one that resonates with you. (I purposefully am not suggesting any particular one here, so you can find a good fit for you specifically)
Self care may also include alternative therapies, such as different types of holistic or energy healers, aroma therapy or sound therapy as well. All of which can be complimentary to more traditional therapies, or medical treatments.
Awareness is key.. As stated in my last article on Childhood trauma, not all trauma is abuse or physical. It can be hard to recognize that you are even suffering from the effects of childhood trauma. If you read my story (link above) you will see clearly how my childhood was traumatic, but when I went to therapy after an abusive marriage I had no idea, it hadn’t even occurred to me that my childhood had played a part in the debilitating anxiety and depression that brought me into that office that day. I didn’t even realize that I was suffering the effects of PTSD let alone CPTSD. In fact I was so confused by the mental health issues, I thought since I was away from the dangerous situation I ought to be feeling better. That confusion made it worse. Having an understanding of what’s going on, and why is very important.
My point here is not about my story, but to find out the root cause of your mental health issues can be very liberating, and give you a place to start in which to heal.
There are many types of therapists, with varying specialties, at different education and training levels. What works best though, regardless of any of that, is a good personality fit. Having a therapist you’re comfortable with is most important. Any therapist of any kind will be open about their training and education.
You will find my own information here “Meet Your Hypnotherapist”
If you’re interested in learning how hypnotherapy might be helpful for you, reach out with any questions or concerns. Consultations are always free and include a sample session so you can see how it feels for you.
Thank you so much for being here. I love to hear from you all. I’m open to suggestions for other article topics you would like to see me write about, as well as any thoughts on this or any other articles. You can reach me by using the contact form on the home page, or email me directly at Pamela@HypnoBreakthrough.com
Stay well, inside and out. Pamela Topjian LVN, CHt
Are your mental health issues rooted in childhood?
Why I decided to specialize with inner child work. I am a certified Hypnotherapist and changed careers from nursing, where I had the honor to work with many families in many areas of healthcare. Including, but not limited to, detox and recovery, home health pediatrics, and in a children’s psychiatric hospital. More on the career change here: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/10/24/why-i-left-nursing/
I decided to focus on inner child work mainly from my own breakthrough during therapy a few years ago, where I realized that my own childhood had been a major contributor to my adult issues throughout my life. It took much too long for me to realize this, in my 50’s, after two unhealthy marriages and raising my own children. I also began to notice that many of my Hypnotherapy clients came to me for one issue only to realize after a couple sessions that the issue was rooted in childhood. You may not be able to heal from what may seem like a surface level issue, or something all together unrelated to your childhood, until you dig deeper in the subconscious. I decided I wanted to help others get to the root of the issue sooner, so they can live a more fulfilling life.
Trauma in childhood can cause many mental health issues in adulthood (not to be confused with mental illness, diseases or disabilities.) Including, but not limited to, Addictions, (remember that addiction is not always about drugs or alcohol) lack of self esteem and self confidence, issues with relationships, trust, attachment, attracting or being attracted to abusive or controlling partners, repeating cycles and patterns passed down from our own parents, often for generations. Just to name a few.
Mixed Media art by Artist, Aeron Brown
You may wonder how you could possibly be having issues that are commonly associated with the inner child, or childhood trauma if your childhood was ‘normal’ or average, or even have mainly only good memories. We tend to think of childhood trauma in terms of extremes, such as physical or sexual abuse, and severe cases of willful neglect. However, that’s just not the case.
What other kinds of things cause childhood trauma? Parents who often argue or fight (physical or otherwise) within earshot of the children, or involving the children in the fights or arguments, absent parents, divorce, even friendly, respectful divorce can cause childhood trauma, poverty, death of a friend or loved one in childhood, under or over stimulation, being witness to a traumatic event that didn’t involve the child without explanation, or a supporting loving place to express feelings or ask questions about what was witnessed ….and so much more. We hear so often that children are resilient, and they ’bounce back’. Parents are often wrongly advised to not talk about “it” or to hide their emotions around the children. Which actually causes more confusion for the kids.
Credit: Mary Anne Enriquez On Flickr, Under Creative Commons
How to heal? Childhood trauma benefits from inner child work; which may include forgiveness, connecting with the inner child to re-parent the little one inside, or unlearning of limiting beliefs and old patterns. There are certainly many ways to do this, not all involve therapy. A ‘toolbox’ approach is best, having and using several choices and options to help work through the issues, and heal. Some treatments and therapies work better for others, something that has helped one person may not do anything for another. It does take patience and diligence to find out what’s best for you. The best place to start is to practice self care. My next article will offer some examples of the many ways to heal from childhood trauma.
Reach out. Whether you feel that you have suffered childhood trauma or not, please reach out if you need help to cope. There is no shame or weakness in asking for help. You don’t have to know what exactly is wrong or why. If you’re feeling you need help – you’re not fulfilled, feel stuck or scared or unsure what’s going on, but just not happy – reach out, don’t suffer in silence! Mental health care matters, and you matter!
It seems asking for help is one of the hardest things to do, especially for those of us that are considered the strong ones, or the ones that everyone else comes to for advice, or to vent or be a shoulder to cry on. Helping others is healing, but even the healer needs to remember self care and to seek help when needed as well.
I want to thank you all so much for being here. I love hearing from you, please feel free to reach out anytime about anything. Do you have an idea for an article, or something you would like to see me write about? Do you have questions about hypnotherapy? Are you wondering if hypnotherapy can help you with your own issues and goals. I always welcome feedback and questions. I offer complimentary phone consultations, where we can have a chat about hypnotherapy, get any questions answered and even get a sample session so you can see how it feels.
While the world was (and still is at the time of this writing) in crisis, in many ways for some, 2020 was actually a good year. In fact for many, it was one of the best ever. Myself included.
People have realized what is really important in life. Life changes were made, some forced upon us, but for others it gave them time to reflect back. We had been so tired, or stuck in a rut or a pattern of unhealthy habits without a second thought. Feeling powerless to make a big change out of fear of the unknown. Many because of responsibility and obligation. When the rug gets pulled out from under us sometimes it takes that big upheaval to make much needed changes.
Authors Ray Bradbury and Kurt Vonnegut, both of whom have been cited with versions of the quote “We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down”
There is a saying that the universe will give you whispers, then it will shout at you, then if you still don’t move, you will get knocked off your feet:
“I needed to make you uncomfortable or else you wouldn’t have moved” – The Universe.
Please make no mistake, I am not at all saying that all the loss, death, confusion and more, was a good thing. There is no denying that there has been so much seriously heartbreaking, anxiety and trauma inducing events and circumstances throughout the year. I am also not saying to bury your head in the sand and pretend it was all good. I am saying that there is still good in the world, and there is good that came from the storm. When the dust finally settles, and we can pick up the pieces, many will be in a much better place for it.
My heart goes out to families of those who lost everything, including loved ones during this past year. I send my heartfelt condolences, love and prayers to each and every one of you.
Let’s look at this past year as a lesson. To notice what we value, and where we spend our time and energy. Allow this time to motivate us to build ourselves, our families and our communities back up. Take this opportunity to give where you can, to count your own blessings, to remember you never know what someone is going through in their lives and families, now more than ever.
On a personal level, ask yourself if you want 2021 to be the same as 2019 for your own life …. Where were changes needed, and what have you gained in life lessons and self awareness this past year? Several ways in which to self reflect; spend time alone in nature, in meditation or prayer. Write it out, get clear with your inner voice, oftentimes writing will bring out things from deep within that you don’t expect.
Self care is so important, not just physical health to help strengthen our immunity, but mental health care is also much needed at this time. Those who already had mental health issues have been finding this year much harder to handle, and those that had no mental health issues are now finding themselves depressed, or anxious.
Hypnotherapy is very helpful to relieve stress, to get clarity with your inner self, your own values and help to motivate you to do better. Break old patterns and habits. Please keep in mind nothing is a cure all and not one type of treatment or therapy works for all. It’s important to do your own trial and error, self study with patience and diligence to find your own best treatments. The complementary treatments and ‘tool box’ approach is great for many, combining different methods to help you get the best results.
Please feel free to reach out with any questions, concerns or to schedule a free consultation. Thank you for reading this and being here.
Tell your story, I’m not saying it will be easy, I’m saying it will be worth it.
Write out your story. It may be hard, it may be grueling, you may need a break, or several. However it’s therapeutic. You can do it in your own time, no rush, no deadline.
Vulnerability is truth and it’s authentic. It’s helpful to put it out there and say ‘ this is who I am, this is my life and this is why I am the way I am today.’ Rather; this is how I got to where I am today.
More importantly, it’s helpful for you to see reasons for the decisions you made, reasons that you can see more clearly as you write it out. Patterns and realizations that are right there in front of you, in “black and white” so to speak.
That will help you to feel more in control. Which in turn helps you to feel that you have grown and will do better. That you can now recognize red flags – whether it’s in relationships or a job or the toxicity of others around you. How you self sabotage or family patterns that keep you stuck.
To write it out is sort of a release that you cannot explain until you do it for yourself. You may think this is a common story, many have lived through these similar things, or much worse. Yes that’s all true, but your own story is unique. Those that are going through something similar may see your story and realize they are not alone. They may realize they too can write it out for others or themselves. To see how others have coped or been able to get themselves back to some sort of normalcy, or even happiness gives hope to those still in low areas of their lives.
You may even think, I know my story all too well and I don’t need to write it out. I’m telling you it is different to know than it is to write. Again, It’s not easy, but well worth it.
I recently wrote out my own story. I’m not one to talk about myself much, but with clients I found myself telling them I can understand, I know how that feels etc. A couple have encouraged me to write out my own story. It helps them to know their hypnotherapist really does know what its like to live through some tough times. I wanted it to be just the pain points, just the basic gist – but it ended up being three parts. Three long blog posts. Whether anyone reads all three or not, it was cathartic, and even therapeutic. Well worth it and why I suggest you do the same.
I was already in the process of writing an autobiography, knowing it would be years until it was ready for publishing but working on it. Through writing that out, in part, I was able to start to remember things that were hidden in my subconscious.
I empowered myself by writing it all out. Realizing what I’ve been through and how my life could have gone, but went in a positive direction instead. Honestly, I’m proud of myself for that. Dreams do come true, even when you feel helpless and hopeless, its possible, and I’m living proof.
I do hope this was beneficial to you. Thank you so very much being here and reading this. If you have any questions or would like to share your story with me I’d love to hear it. I promise to never share your information with anyone. Whether you’re a client of mine or not. Everything is completely confidential. Any ideas or something else you would like to see my write about please feel free to let me know.
If you’re having trouble remembering your story, or have childhood issues that you need to release, please consider hypnotherapy. Only you can heal yourself, but you don’t have to do it alone.
I left off in part two with packing the car and leaving, after a night of being attacked by my alcoholic drug addicted husband.
The year to follow I was having nightmares, panic attacks and was very fearful. I was dating off and on. Some people were saying you need to be alone for a while. At the same time, others were saying now is your time, play the field, just go wild and have fun! I think I did a bit of both. I ended up telling off a couple men, which of course, wasn’t fully warranted, but therapeutic for me.
I quit my job which I had for years.They were very short staffed, the reason I was doing 16 hour shifts, and I couldn’t get a day off even for my divorce and all that I needed to do. They all knew most of what I was going through, I was (and still am) close with some of the staff and my co-workers.
I was starting to burn out not only in life but my nursing career as well. I tried a few other non-nursing jobs, including a funeral home; which ended up being a shady operation. The FBI came in like a scene from the “Men In Black” movie!
I knew I was getting worse mentally. Depression and anxiety was taking over. I was shocked at my own reaction, because I was free now and safe. However, I didn’t feel that way at all. I was physically sick a lot of the time as well. I went to a few places looking for help. I remember more crying in the car in the parking lots, feeling helpless, hopeless and lost. I used the crisis text lines and life line (crisis text line in the US 741-741 the suicide hotline “lifeline” 1-800-273-8255)
I met a man while signing up to volunteer, just before the holidays. We dated some, but became better friends (and still are good friends) than anything else. He was going through a rough time as well. We became a support system for each other. He was the only one I felt fully understood where I was coming from. He told me one day while walking around in the park, that he was considering a big move across the country to start fresh. He suggested I might want to do the same. My lease was up at the end of that month. I told my landlord I may be moving out of the state, and if I stayed it likely wouldn’t be a full year. It was a small, privately-owned house. The owners informed me they were going to sell it anyway, and asked if I could be out by the end of the month. That meant I had two weeks. My friend however wasn’t sure when he was going. He had to get a few things in order still. Later, health issues kept him from traveling.
I sold and gave away most of my things. My friend who suggested the move, arranged for my mother to come for a surprise visit to stay with me the last few days before I moved. This was such a shock, but amazing to have my mom at this time. I don’t think she knew how bad I was. Of course I didn’t want to upset her. She knew I was struggling and agreed a big move might be best. I was very fearful all the time. Even though I had a restraining order and knew my ex didn’t know where I lived. I also had a couple good friends that I knew I could call in a pinch.
I got on a bus for a three day ride with a one-way ticket.
To add insult to injury, the first person to sit next to me was a shady looking character who was slurring his words, non-stop talking, and had a “water” bottle. He spilled his drink on my seat. I stood up quickly, and knew at that point, it was not water in his bottle. He then tried to wipe off the seat of my pants. He put his hands on my bottom, rubbing the booze into my soaked jeans! I thought, of all people, this person had to sit next to me?!?
Luckily we were just coming to a rest stop. The driver let me get my bag from under the bus and change my clothes. The drunk was not allowed back on. I was numb.
I had a place lined up for a live-in job. This was someone I knew, (or thought I did) online from a divorce forum, that ran a business out of their home. That situation ended up being something entirely different and unsafe, not what I was led to believe it was. I found my way to a live-in caretaker job within three weeks. I was feeling pretty proud of getting out of that situation so quickly.
I was pet sitting, house sitting and caretaking the first and into the second year in California.
I met and fell in love with my now third husband. We both had been through such terrible times with our exes. As he put it once, we were “strongly professing our independence, as we were both falling in love.“
Neither of us were particularly looking for or ready for anything serious. We went on a lot of hikes and ate a lot of pizza together. We got along like old friends from the very beginning. We brought some light into eachothers darkness, but cautiously not getting too involved with each others’ lives.
Northern California, my own picture from one of our favorite places to hike.
I started therapy. I was still having nightmares, barely sleeping, very anxious and depressed. I was so grateful not to have the responsibility and pressure of nursing. I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue at all. Within my therapy I was having a lot of trouble remembering and speaking about everything. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) This was very helpful. I realized things from my childhood that were causes of how I ended up in the situations I had. That was empowering to know the reasons. How one thing led to another and where my point of view came from. There were reasons and I could see it. We worked on emotions and processed through the worst situations.
When I started therapy I told the therapist that I had a bad divorce, and was verbally/emotionally abused and moved across the country but, I couldn’t remember the whole event from the day I left my ex husband. I told her that I was still anxious, suicidal and not sleeping. At that time, I had no idea all the stuff from my childhood had anything to do with any of this. I had no idea that I was having post traumatic symptoms or even C- PTSD (complex PTSD). See part one: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/12/04/my-own-story-part-one/
Memories started coming back.
There had been missing pieces to the night I left, I couldn’t remember it fully. I started writing a book to tell my story, and hopefully help the memories. I was healing and starting to feel better. I wanted, as I do now with this condensed version, to show people you can come back from a rough childhood and very low points. I had nightmares occasionally and flashes of the abuse in my waking state as well.
This is when I realized I had actually been knocked unconscious. I remembered being in the closet on the floor, I couldn’t piece together how I got there and where he was. It was all coming back.
My now husband, ‘Significant other’ at that time, was supportive and encouraging, without any pity or treating me as though I was damaged. I needed this relationship to be equal. I didn’t need pity, or a savior/hero. He had been through much the same and understood. Knowing he understood and us being able to openly talk about it, was very helpful.
Back to nursing
I did end up getting my nursing license changed to be valid in California. I was definitely feeling more stable and more independent. I still had a hard time, not just personally but with nursing all together. See my article on why I left nursing here: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/10/24/why-i-left-nursing/
Please know this is my own experience and I’m not speaking for the whole of nurses or ALL medical facilities. I was very frustrated in my career for many reasons.
We moved in together and I got back to work on my book, thinking things are finally settling down. I started painting during this time. Mainly as a stress reliever, a form of self art therapy. To get some creativity flowing and let go of the stress from my nursing job. I had never picked up a paintbrush other than to paint a wall in my adult life. I didn’t care about the outcome. It was in the action of painting, the doing of, that was so therapeutic and relaxing for me. It still is, a year later.
A few of my own paintings
I was asking for clarity in meditations knowing that nursing wasn’t for me, knowing there had to be something else I was supposed to be doing. Then I was called from the universe, through dreams, hypnotherapy and meditations to get back to hypnotherapy. (in part one I tell of taking a holistic health course where I went on to focus on hypnotherapy) I went for an interview with a small school close to home and had a serious deja vu experience like never before.
I started my classes and became certified. Such a dream come true. This is all during the pandemic, we had to switch our classes to zoom. My significant other and I married on my 54th birthday, no ceremony, nothing, we got dressed up, we wore our masks and signed the papers etc and went to eat to celebrate. We both felt much closer even through the lockdowns and quarinteins of covid. We both were so very thankful to be spending so much time together and not stuck in this with our exes . It made our relationship stronger. As my son put it we had a social distance bonding formality rather than a “wedding”
Here we are, still in the throes of covid. Very happily married for six months at the time of this writing. We’ve been living together for three years now. Three of my paintings have sold. Two have been printed in a magazine. My Hypnotherapy dream is getting closer and closer.
The moral of the story is, that there is always hope! You really never know. Nothing is impossible.
Thank you so very much for reading my story, and for being here. This was hard to write it all out. I do firmly believe that it’s very helpful to share your story. It’s therapeutic for the writer and the reader as well. I do not intend for this to make anyone sad, uneasy or provoke sympathy. I have, as stated, been through therapy and living a very happy life now. I look forward to the future. I do hope that whatever you’re going through, or have been through, that you too can look forward with hope.
Feel free to reach out with any thoughts on this, or any other of my articles. I love hearing from you. Any questions about hypnotherapy or ideas for a future blog post.
I left part one with all that had happened in 2007, with divorcing and marrying again as a pivotal point of the hardest years to follow.
That marriage was very much a roller coaster ride. He had his own mental health issues that at the time, I felt could be helped once he was able to get the help he needed. I was a new nurse working night shift at a hospital. At this point I loved nursing. I knew as a nurse I would have good health insurance and once he was on the road to getting his issues dealt with by a professional he would be back to the caring soul I used to know. I didn’t know anything about alcoholics or addiction at this time. He worked off and on, he was drinking a lot, self medicating for sure.
The main income was my responsibility. The money seemed to be off, all the time. I couldn’t grasp what was going on. I was new to handling any budget as my first husband was the one in charge and always made it very clear it was his money. I was also going through issues with my young teen daughter that was given the freedom to come and go at either house, her dads or with me in an apartment. At first it was going great, before I married.
I was naïve and trusted my first husband to take care of things and keep to his word. This was my first BIG mistake and the second even worse mistake was marriage number two.
To try to make a long story short and hit the basic points of how difficult these years were; My daughter didn’t want to come around, the new husband was always drunk, obnoxious and was very suspicious of everything and everyone. Money kept disappearing, debt was a part of life, we moved a lot (leaving the details to my autobiography/memoir, which is in the works as well).
This led to us moving out of state, and not seeing my daughter for years. I feel so much guilt around this now. However at the time, I did feel it would help the situation. I always thought things were going to get better in the marriage with each new step, new job or move. That my daughter could visit and I didn’t need to stay in the area where my ex was, where things were only getting worse between her and I. This did not go as hoped. I felt so alone and confused. My marriage was getting more mentally and verbally abusive as time went on. In the early stages even as I was older, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage just past the 3 month mark, so we had told everyone. Of course, that was a blessing in disguise.
My (adult) son was having serious personal issues that also led to a separation between him and I. He was under my care his whole childhood at least. He was living a very unhealthy and dangerous lifestyle. I won’t go into those details, as that is his own story. He is in my life now and we are closer than ever.
My sister was the worst as far as betrayal, and disloyalty. To this day – more than 10 year later our relationship is rocky. Again, more details will be in my book/memoir.
I took classes to go higher in my nursing, going for my BSN but that ended barely before it got started. I wasn’t getting sleep, he was not supportive and I still had to work full time. I thought if I could go higher in my nursing degree I would have better job options. I was always more natural and decided to go for a holistic health course, less stressful and actually therapeutic for me to be in that environment. Learning about energy work, and holistic health modalities. Some spiritual classes as well. I made some great friends there, and one I’m still in touch with to this day. This is where I was introduced to hypnotherapy. I went on to put my focus there, and completed that level one and two course. I had a dream for a healing gardens holistic health center, it never left me. Life had me go through a few more obstacles before I could get close to that dream.
I felt stuck. Looking back, I am shocked I felt that way. I would have been so much better off on my own. I know that I felt guilty, he was in pain himself, deep pain, and I wasn’t able to help him. If I left, it was like leaving a person who developed a physical illness, because it was too hard to deal with. That’s how I felt, until it came to my attention all the lies and drug use.
Near the end he was a monster, a literal monster, not himself at all. I wondered actually if he was possessed. However, in hindsight, having worked in detox and recovery, it was the drugs mixed with alcohol. That last year of our marriage I would come home from a 12 or 16 hour shift at work on the Alzheimer’s unit to him yelling in my face. Being accused of something all the time, he was sure I wasn’t at work. Sometimes he was asleep in the yard, or laying on the kitchen floor with the refrigerator open. I knew he wasn’t safe to be alone. I was very concerned at this point not yet fully realizing all that was going on; I was concerned with the possibility of early onset dementia or some other mental disorder or illness. More often than not he was incoherent and unable to fully care for himself.
I took over his medical care, and got him in to see a few different doctors and mental health professionals. He ended up in one mental health facility after another. Which was not very much easier on me as one might think, other than knowing what I was going to come home to, and able to sleep a little better. I was going to visit him when I was so exhausted and nearing a nervous breakdown myself. I couldn’t get information from his doctors, and I was baffled and frustrated by this. I now know that he would have to have signed papers that said it was okay to share information with his wife, he obviously didn’t want that.
He would come home with new prescriptions and soon go back to the same behaviour or worse. I did everything I knew how to help set up the house to be safer for him and to make sure he took his medications as prescribed etc. Not unlike my Alzheimer’s patients at work.
After the 3rd facility I was sobbing in my car a lot, I was breaking down and exhausted. I was trying to be there for my husband, feeling hopeless and helpless. Until, one of my friends whose husband had worked with him told me to check around the house in his closet or any place he may hide things. I had to pack him some extra clothes since he was staying longer at this facility and as I did I found a little bottle of whiskey in his closet, I then remembered what my friend said and found more bottles all over the house.
I knew I was done at this point. I still didn’t want to leave him until he was set on his own and was equipped to take care of himself or find another place. Everything started coming to light. He came home and I told him what I found and that I was divorcing him, but would let him get on his feet first. I did nothing at all to help him anymore.
Not long after that I came home one day after another long shift at work. He was awake and just in a rage. I went straight to my room and closed the door, no locks on the door so when he opened it I told him to just please leave me alone and then put something in front of the door. That night I ended up being beat up, knocked out in my closet and waking up calling the police to be able to leave. I didn’t remember the details until the following year. I had blocked much of it out until I was able to get some therapy.
I filled my car with a few of my belongings and never went back. I had a friend that I spent two nights on her couch while I got my own place etc. While speaking to my divorce lawyer I found out many lies he had told me about his past. I really didn’t know this person that I married so quickly at all.
I do apologize, this seems to have gotten out of hand. It’s much longer than expected, and I will need to add a part three. Thank you so much for reading up to this point. I hope you will get out of all of this, that it’s okay to share your story, it can be empowering. You are not alone, I know my story is not that different than so many others. I hope some of my red flags that I missed, will empower you to notice yours.
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