Home › Posts tagged self love

self love

“I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore Since…”

Posted on by

“I don’t know who I am anymore” 

Have you found yourself feeling this same way? This is such a common sentiment of middle aged or older women. Men as well, however I hear this more so from women. So many possible reasons or circumstances that cause people to feel this way;

I don’t know who I am anymore since …… 

the kids went to college,

moved out on their own, married or even,  

since ‘they don’t need me anymore.’

I don’t know who I am anymore since….

I retired, 

my injury/illness (mental or physical)

my divorce or 

my spouse passed away. 

Can you relate with any of these feelings? What have you found that helps? Do you feel all alone in these feelings? I’m here to tell you that this is all very common, and you definitely are not alone. 

Well meaning loved ones may try to offer help by giving you advice, inviting you out, or suggesting you get involved in other activities. Some may remind you that this is your time to relax and enjoy yourself, to put your feet up, get involved in other interests, or travel. Not bad advice at all, and some of it may help. However, the feelings and the emotions may still be there. Those feelings hinge on depression, or anxiety. Those emotions may be a big component of depression or anxiety. 

There may also be issues from childhood, or a traumatic experience earlier in life, that were buried deep, and suppressed as long as you were busy with the kids/family/spouse/career. These could possibly be resurfacing now that you don’t have these other commitments to fill your days with. You may not even be aware. This is a good journaling prompt, or focus for meditation, or some inner child work.

I am a board certified hypnotherapist, and of course I’m going to let you know that hypnotherapy is a great way to help. It’s not just a way to feel a little better, but to gain clarity, self confidence, motivation, and release old wounds or limiting beliefs. (and much more)

However I’m not here to convince you to try hypnotherapy, or even say its the only, or best way to get through these trying times. I’m here to assist you on your healing journey back to wellness. Back to self, inside and out. (The mind-body connection really is so strong) 

Other lifestyle factors contribute to feelings of being unmotivated, or lost within your self and your life. You may be thinking it’s too big a task to tackle at this time to think about quitting smoking, sugar or alcohol. To try to get better sleep, eat better, add some exercise and a form of spiritual practice into your life. These things are all related to your mental health and overall well being too. They’re all connected. They are not separate dishes on the menu, but all part of the same soup. The mind-body wellness soup! (I do love analogies, afterall it is soup season – at the time of this writing) 

There are more traditional (or I should say conventional) routes you can try, as well as some energy healing, ancient and/or newer types of holistic therapies that all can be very helpful.

Counseling, talk therapy, CBT ( cognitive behavioral therapy) EFT (Emotional freedom Technique), NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programing) , EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)  Reiki, polarity, yoga, Qi-gong, acupuncture, acupressure, sound therapy, art therapy… and many others. 

It’s good to look into a few different wellness options that sound interesting and explore on your own. It may take patience and diligence to find what’s best for you. It’s also a great idea to have a few modalities in your tool box to pull out as needed. Nothing is best or right for everyone. 

What works well for your friend or neighbor may not be what works well for you. 

I offer Hypnotherapy which uses Hypnosis in a therapeutic model, by gently guiding you within yourself to relax the physical body, and quiet the busy conscious mind, to address the subconscious mind. This is done through relaxation techniques, specific wording and sometimes visualization techniques. Very much like a guided meditation, however the focus is deeper. I also offer spiritual guidance to find your own spiritual path from within yourself. (This is not about religion, although it can be, it’s about finding what’s right and true for you from within your own heart and soul) 

If you’re interested in working with me, or have any questions, contact me (Pamela@HypnoBreakthrough.com). I always offer free consultations to address any concerns, or questions you may have. A complimentary sample session is offered during the consultation as well, if you’re interested in trying it out before you make any commitments. Find a contact form, and more information here: HypnoBreakthrough

I hope this helps, even knowing that you are not alone, that your feelings are valid, and that there is hope can bring a little relief. 

Thank you so much for reading and sharing in this time and space with me. 

Please take care, inside and out! Pamela Topjian CHt 

How Do Relationships Change Over Time – How to Overcome Failed Relationships?

Posted on by

As a woman in her 50’s with two divorces behind me, and in my first year of my third marriage, I think I have some insight into relationships and marriage. 

Relationships are not just romantic relationships. We have relationships with family, friends, co-workers, work partners or even acquaintances. While still in February, however,  I thought I’d write about relationships as in dating, romantic partners and marriages.  Love, pain and shame.

Divorce: There is no shame to have been divorced several times. It shows that you are willing to stand up for yourself, to be willing to admit when a relationship isn’t working. More important is the courage to get yourself out of an unhealthy (or for some,  abusive)  situation.  We live, we learn and grow. Staying stuck in an unhealthy situation isn’t something to do just because you don’t want to divorce, or divorce yet again.

Love:  Joan E. Childs, LCSW Author,  and relationship expert said “Love is a living thing” and that struck me. A living thing needs to be fed and nurtured to grow. 

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” Thich Nhat Hanh

Many say love takes work. At this point in my life I don’t see true love as work. it’s been freeing for me, it’s made life so much easier than ever before actually. 

Some of you may have read my story , it’s a long read, but it does show where I’m coming from. Love needs to be nurtured, like a living thing, yes, but not work. 

As mentioned earlier, I was married twice. At the time I do believe I thought I was in love, at least in the beginning. What did I know of love? My parents divorced when I was young, and I had no positive examples of good relationships around me. The feeling I had in my first two marriages wasn’t anywhere near what it is today with my husband. A feeling of being respected, and understood, and equal in the partnership. I’m very happy to have divorced twice to get to where I am today in my life and relationship. Again, we live, we learn and grow. That’s what life is about. Then helping others through what we’ve learned in our own experiences. It will have all been for naught if we can’t look back and feel good about where we are. Knowing we have grown from the past, and at least try to share our own life lessons. To help others see they are not alone, and they too have no reason to feel ashamed. To be proud of standing up for themselves, for moving on with their lives rather than staying in unhealthy situations. Or  just settling out of fear of the unknown or having a stigma attached. 

Settling: I do not use the term “settling” as meaning, not good enough, or up to my standards or not perfect. I mean to say, not right for me. Settling, is about being okay with just being okay, and not excited or feeling fully into it. Settling is the difference between a dress or suit from the thrift store, and one tailor made for you.

 My point is: Life is short. Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t stay, if it’s just okay. 

A divorce is not a failed marriage, a break up is not a failed relationship. We live and learn as we grow. We also change and grow during our time with someone. They may choose to stay in the same situation, because they’re comfortable to be settled and may fear change, or  the unknown, while you work on bettering your life or thrive on continued growth. You may find deeper meaning in life, while they may go down a more self destructive path. You may even just grow in different directions. There certainly are many possible scenarios. The most important thing is that we have learned from each relationship. It’s not a test that you pass or fail. However it’s all a lesson. 

There is a quote that says something to the effect of  each person comes into our lives for a season or a reason, a lesson or a blessing.  

We live almost 100 years, the first 20 we are basically kids – so that leaves 80 years of living, learning, growing, evolving, this may mean different people come to share in our lives with us, and be our partners or lessons. This is not to say that it isn’t possible with one relationship during our whole lifetime, it definitely is possible and that’s amazing when it truly works out that way. I just don’t want people to feel stuck out of shame or guilt. To realize growth in relationships is a good thing, even expected, and that growth doesn’t always happen together. 

Self love is so important to having a truly loving relationship with another. Sometimes people come together out of shared pain, and work on themselves together – this can be an equal and loving partnership too. Still you are taking care of yourself with support and encouragement, being equal. Sometimes people try to save or fix the other. Often becoming codependent and have unhealthy attachments. Watch for this, if you are two wounded hearts coming together. Your pain and mental health issues cannot be your only connection if you want a truly healthy relationship. 

Fear of trying again after loss. Love is not something to fear because you haven’t had good relationships in the past. People often give up, saying that it’s not worth the pain. Love isn’t painful. We are social beings and thrive with human contact. Find out the deeper reasons the past relationships haven’t worked. Why are you attracting those types or why are you being attracted to those types that are not right for you? Step back and notice what happens during the relationships, are there patterns? Most often there are deeper issues than what it first appears. Heal within yourself, there’s that self-love aspect again. Reach out, seek help, a counselor or therapist may help your whole life change for the better, not just your relationships and love life. 

There are many types of counselors and therapists out there. As I always mention, what works best for one does not work well for all. It does take patience and diligence to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. This too is a type of relationship. A good therapist will want you to find the best fit for you and care mainly that you get the help best suited for you.

Interested in finding out if Hypnotherapy is a good fit for you? Consultations are always free of charge with a basic stress reducing sample session included. Find out more on the Breakthrough Hypnotherapy homepage.

Thank you all for being here! I love to hear from you. Please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns. I’m happy to consider suggestions for new articles as well.

Please take care, inside and out! Pamela Topjian, LVN, CHt

How To Heal From Childhood Trauma

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

There are many ways to help you through the healing process. There is not just one way that is the best, or one way that will be helpful for all. My last article was a basic overview of Childhood Trauma.

In that article, I mentioned this next one I would have more information about healing from Childhood trauma.  

Self care is vital. Balance is important. The mind and body work together. Our outer world and inner world also work together.  Even basic self care that most of us are aware of but also, most of us are lacking in, believe it or not, is part of healing. Eat a balanced healthy diet. This includes staying well hydrated with good clean water,  getting enough good sleep, having a spiritual or mindfulness practice that you are comfortable with, a social network (no, this doesn’t include social media). Now more than ever, to have a connection with friends and family in a safe manner is important for our mental well being. Getting exercise and having hobbies you enjoy is important, and last but not least, remember good hygiene. This is a basic list, not in any particular order. Oftentimes these self care basics are overlooked as a result of the trauma from the past that is disrupting our own self care. 

If you don’t have the skills or knowledge for self care due to neglect in your childhood, please do not be embarrassed to reach out, you are not at fault. 

Reach out. Ask your doctor or primary care provider, or even a trusted friend or loved one. If you’re in therapy (of any kind) bring this issue up to them and they will be happy to help you, completely judgement free. Medical and mental health professionals are there to help you in any way they can. They may refer you or give you other resources they think will be more helpful if they aren’t a good fit. You also are free to search for another, if you don’t feel heard or understood. It does take patience and diligence to find a good fit sometimes when it comes to the right treatment plan for you. 

Self care is usually thought of as spa days, and little luxuries, or gifts we give ourselves. It’s so much more than that. However,  it does help with self-love, self-respect and confidence. 

Painting by Pamela Topjian

Self-help techniques for childhood trauma. Journaling can be helpful to become clear on your thoughts and feelings. If you’re unsure where to start, ask yourself what your inner child needs to know, what would you like to tell that little one inside of you? Writing your story is very healing as well, I recently have done this myself. See: “Your Story Matters”

Try writing letters to people without the intention of sending them, even to those who are deceased, or who may be dangerous to contact. Write it all out, then bury it, or burn it, or both. Have a silent conversation with a person or even a situation, imagine what you would say, what did you need to say in the past but never had the chance? What would you like to say now from your adult perspective? You can do this in meditation, while on a walk, or even just laying in bed before you go to sleep. 

Healing through art is helpful. It’s a creative outlet for those stuck emotions, or can be a way to help unwind and relax, something to focus on that keeps your mind from any negative or racing thoughts. You don’t have to have any skill or take any lessons or wait for a class, unless you want to, but you don’t have to.

 I started painting at a particularly stressful time in my life in 2019 just for the fun of it, just to have some way to express myself creatively. I never had a class and didn’t care about the outcome but in less than 2 years have come a long way in my painting. It’s not even about the finished product still, it’s the process that is so healing, and therapeutic. I had no idea it would be so therapeutic for me. 

There are trained certified art therapists if you’re interested in finding one, which will be more helpful than taking an art class or course when it comes to using art as a form of therapy. If this sounds interesting to you, please don’t wait – pick up a pencil now and start doodling, get a few cheap paint brushes and some art pad… start today. 

My own Painting, Breakthrough Woman, by Pamela Topjian

I have had a couple clients that journal with art and words, it’s so amazing what they come up with, I’m so honored when they share with me. 

There are many books on childhood healing, or healing from childhood trauma and CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some from spiritual perspectives, some from therapists and others from medical doctors. Check your local bookstore or an online shop to see the variety of books. Read the reviews and descriptions to find one that resonates with you. (I purposefully am not suggesting any particular one here, so you can find a good fit for you specifically) 

Self care may also include alternative therapies, such as different types of holistic or energy healers, aroma therapy or sound therapy as well. All of which can be complimentary to more traditional therapies, or medical treatments.

Awareness is key.. As stated in my last article on Childhood trauma, not all trauma is abuse or physical. It can be hard to recognize that you are even suffering from the effects of childhood trauma. If you read my story (link above) you will see clearly how my childhood was traumatic, but when I went to therapy after an abusive marriage I had no idea, it hadn’t even occurred to me that my childhood had played a part in the debilitating anxiety and depression that brought me into that office that day. I didn’t even realize that I was suffering the effects of PTSD let alone CPTSD. In fact I was so confused by the mental health issues, I thought since I was away from the dangerous situation I ought to  be feeling better. That confusion made it worse. Having an understanding of what’s going on, and why is very important. 

My point here is not about my story, but to find out the root cause of your mental health issues can be very liberating, and give you a place to start in which to heal. 

There are many types of therapists, with varying specialties, at different education and training levels. What works best though, regardless of any of that, is a good personality fit. Having a therapist you’re comfortable with is most important. Any therapist of any kind will be open about their training and education. 

You will find  my own information here “Meet Your Hypnotherapist” 

Meet Your Hypnotherapist

If you’re interested in learning how hypnotherapy might be helpful for you, reach out with any questions or concerns. Consultations are always free and include a sample session so you can see how it feels for you. 

Thank you so much for being here. I love to hear from you all. I’m open to suggestions for other article topics you would like to see me write about, as well as any thoughts on this or any other articles. You can reach me by using the contact form on the home page, or email me directly at Pamela@HypnoBreakthrough.com

Stay well, inside and out.  Pamela Topjian LVN, CHt

You Have Already Made it Through 100 Percent of Your Dark Days.

Posted on by

Chances are pretty high that you will make it through whatever you’re going through now.

If you’re reading this, you already made it through some dark times, even your worst. The chances are pretty high that you will make it through this one, or the next one too. Your survival rate to this point is 100%!

What some consider their darkest days can be very different from what others experience. It’s like pain – you cannot compare or think that someone didn’t have it so bad or that your situation  is, or was, so much worse. Or that they have it so much worse than you and you must be weak  and so on. It’s not a contest, and there is no measurement. The truth is,  we will all at some point go through what we consider to be our darkest days. This is part of the human experience. Most of us go through some awful time and think that was the worst we will have to endure. Only to later in life experience something even more dark and traumatizing. If you can make it out, you have proved to yourself how strong you are, how resilient you are. Own that, latch onto it if you need to. Wow, I never thought I would be where I am now or even, looking back I cannot believe I did or didn’t do this or that…. Whatever it is, allow yourself to be proud of even the small steps. The one constant thing is change, wherever you are there is hope and a big chance that change is coming. 

If you know me you know I love my metaphors, but they are so true! The mighty oak tree will grow its roots deeper and stronger through every storm. I absolutely believe it’s the same for us. “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but that which doesn’t kill you will also make you more humble and compassionate. It will also help you to begin to help others going through similar situations. Once you can truly empathize and say to someone, “I know, I’ve been there”, you can really help someone believe in themselves, and therefore have hope. Of course some will not think that you really know, and you really can’t know exactly, but you can say “I’ve been through some dark times, and never thought I’d live to tell about it, but I did, and I have faith that you will too.”

If you can share your story you never know how many you inspire and help along the way. I am currently watching a new podcast you tube channel Back On Track Podcast  with many such inspiring stories. I have my own and may see if they want to share mine as well. 

I wholeheartedly believe that going through some really rough times in my life has helped me to be much better at what I do to help others. 

What are some ways you have made it through? Please feel free to share. 

As for me, I did utilize those crisis text lines. (Crisis text lines: US and CA  741-741 UK 85258) I made a big move, sold just about all my possessions and got on a bus across the country and I did what I could to not have to be a single woman on the streets. I did house and pet sitting and in home caregiving jobs. I have regrets that I could have, or should have done better. However, I’m very proud of myself that I was able to stay off the streets, never turned to any substance and was able to help others in a small way at least, in the process. I received therapy and yes, vented a lot on social media.

I did not talk very openly or deeply with friends and family, which I now wish I would have. I know we are embarrassed or can feel like a burden, but your loved ones, be them friends or family can be very helpful, even if it’s just a listening ear. Please don’t assume that those that ignore you or don’t respond are not your “real friends” or don’t care. They may be going through so much themselves they can’t handle any more at that moment. They may feel helpless and unsure how to help. So you may need to tell your loved ones that you just need to vent or to not be alone, or that you need some food and are not in any condition to go out or cook/prepare anything  – or maybe even to take you out to go for a walk. Be sure they know that you’re not asking them to solve your issues. Reaching out is so important and something I didn’t do enough. Please don’t suffer in silence.  

Pets and animals help us when we’re down, they also help to have something we need to do, to get us out of bed. Growing things, taking care of plants even can be helpful. Of course we have all heard this, but I have to mention getting outside, staying hydrated and making sure you’re eating, better yet, eating healthy. Reading, music, journaling etc. 

I do know all too well, in the darkest days (and mostly nights) we can be paralized, so wracked with fear, anxiety, panic even, so depressed that self care is the last thing we think about. 

Of course Hypnotherapy will help you through as well. I do offer one free sample session to see how it feels and if its right for you. I do many phone sessions so you can stay in bed and not have to worry about going anywhere, complete privacy and if you have pets, they love the sessions too  – just set the appointment, let me call you and you just put me on speaker or wear earbuds. Please see my *article archived from June about what hypnotherapy is and what to expect in a session with me.  * What is Hypnotherapy? http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/06/20/what-is-hypnotherapy/

So, you have made it through your darkest times, congratulations! You do deserve to pat yourself on the back, and accept my virtual pat on the back as well. 

Please know you can make it through whatever life throws at you!

I do hope this has helped some of you. Please let me know, what has helped you, or share your  story. Comment below or send a message if you’re more private. Your confidentiality is always respected. I am a nurse as well, and hold high HIPAA standards for all my clients. I have a contact form on the home page, and I welcome emails as well – Pamela@HypnoBreakthrough.com I love hearing from you all. 

Thank you so much for being here. 

Pamela Topjian LVN, CHt (Certified Hypnotherapist)