As a woman in her 50’s with two divorces behind me, and in my first year of my third marriage, I think I have some insight into relationships and marriage. 

Relationships are not just romantic relationships. We have relationships with family, friends, co-workers, work partners or even acquaintances. While still in February, however,  I thought I’d write about relationships as in dating, romantic partners and marriages.  Love, pain and shame.

Divorce: There is no shame to have been divorced several times. It shows that you are willing to stand up for yourself, to be willing to admit when a relationship isn’t working. More important is the courage to get yourself out of an unhealthy (or for some,  abusive)  situation.  We live, we learn and grow. Staying stuck in an unhealthy situation isn’t something to do just because you don’t want to divorce, or divorce yet again.

Love:  Joan E. Childs, LCSW Author,  and relationship expert said “Love is a living thing” and that struck me. A living thing needs to be fed and nurtured to grow. 

Many say love takes work. At this point in my life I don’t see true love as work. it’s been freeing for me, it’s made life so much easier than ever before actually. 

Some of you may have read my story , it’s a long read, but it does show where I’m coming from. Love needs to be nurtured, like a living thing, yes, but not work. 

As mentioned earlier, I was married twice. At the time I do believe I thought I was in love, at least in the beginning. What did I know of love? My parents divorced when I was young, and I had no positive examples of good relationships around me. The feeling I had in my first two marriages wasn’t anywhere near what it is today with my husband. A feeling of being respected, and understood, and equal in the partnership. I’m very happy to have divorced twice to get to where I am today in my life and relationship. Again, we live, we learn and grow. That’s what life is about. Then helping others through what we’ve learned in our own experiences. It will have all been for naught if we can’t look back and feel good about where we are. Knowing we have grown from the past, and at least try to share our own life lessons. To help others see they are not alone, and they too have no reason to feel ashamed. To be proud of standing up for themselves, for moving on with their lives rather than staying in unhealthy situations. Or  just settling out of fear of the unknown or having a stigma attached. 

Settling: I do not use the term “settling” as meaning, not good enough, or up to my standards or not perfect. I mean to say, not right for me. Settling, is about being okay with just being okay, and not excited or feeling fully into it. Settling is the difference between a dress or suit from the thrift store, and one tailor made for you.

 My point is: Life is short. Don’t ignore red flags. Don’t stay, if it’s just okay. 

A divorce is not a failed marriage, a break up is not a failed relationship. We live and learn as we grow. We also change and grow during our time with someone. They may choose to stay in the same situation, because they’re comfortable to be settled and may fear change, or  the unknown, while you work on bettering your life or thrive on continued growth. You may find deeper meaning in life, while they may go down a more self destructive path. You may even just grow in different directions. There certainly are many possible scenarios. The most important thing is that we have learned from each relationship. It’s not a test that you pass or fail. However it’s all a lesson. 

There is a quote that says something to the effect of  each person comes into our lives for a season or a reason, a lesson or a blessing.  

We live almost 100 years, the first 20 we are basically kids – so that leaves 80 years of living, learning, growing, evolving, this may mean different people come to share in our lives with us, and be our partners or lessons. This is not to say that it isn’t possible with one relationship during our whole lifetime, it definitely is possible and that’s amazing when it truly works out that way. I just don’t want people to feel stuck out of shame or guilt. To realize growth in relationships is a good thing, even expected, and that growth doesn’t always happen together. 

Self love is so important to having a truly loving relationship with another. Sometimes people come together out of shared pain, and work on themselves together – this can be an equal and loving partnership too. Still you are taking care of yourself with support and encouragement, being equal. Sometimes people try to save or fix the other. Often becoming codependent and have unhealthy attachments. Watch for this, if you are two wounded hearts coming together. Your pain and mental health issues cannot be your only connection if you want a truly healthy relationship. 

Fear of trying again after loss. Love is not something to fear because you haven’t had good relationships in the past. People often give up, saying that it’s not worth the pain. Love isn’t painful. We are social beings and thrive with human contact. Find out the deeper reasons the past relationships haven’t worked. Why are you attracting those types or why are you being attracted to those types that are not right for you? Step back and notice what happens during the relationships, are there patterns? Most often there are deeper issues than what it first appears. Heal within yourself, there’s that self-love aspect again. Reach out, seek help, a counselor or therapist may help your whole life change for the better, not just your relationships and love life. 

There are many types of counselors and therapists out there. As I always mention, what works best for one does not work well for all. It does take patience and diligence to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. This too is a type of relationship. A good therapist will want you to find the best fit for you and care mainly that you get the help best suited for you.

Interested in finding out if Hypnotherapy is a good fit for you? Consultations are always free of charge with a basic stress reducing sample session included. Find out more on the Breakthrough Hypnotherapy homepage.

Thank you all for being here! I love to hear from you. Please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns. I’m happy to consider suggestions for new articles as well.

Please take care, inside and out! Pamela Topjian, LVN, CHt