My Story; The conclusion. (part three)

See part two here: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/12/14/my-story-part-two/

I left off in part two with packing the car and leaving,  after a night of being attacked by my alcoholic drug addicted husband. 

The year to follow I was having nightmares, panic attacks and was very fearful. I was dating off and on. Some people were saying you need to be alone for a while. At the same time, others were saying now is your time, play the field, just go wild and have fun! I think I did a bit of both. I ended up telling off a couple men, which of course, wasn’t fully warranted, but therapeutic for me. 

I quit my job which I had for years.They were very short staffed, the reason I was doing 16 hour shifts, and I couldn’t get a day off even for my divorce and all that I needed to do. They all knew most of what I was going through, I was (and still am) close with some of the staff and my co-workers.

I was starting to burn out not only in life but my nursing career as well. I tried a few other non-nursing jobs, including a funeral home; which ended up being a shady operation. The FBI came in like a scene from the “Men In Black” movie! 

I knew I was getting worse mentally. Depression and anxiety was taking over. I was shocked at my own reaction, because I was free now and safe. However, I didn’t feel that way at all. I was physically sick a lot of the time as well. I went to a few places looking for help. I remember more crying in the car in the parking lots, feeling helpless, hopeless and lost. I used the crisis text lines and life line (crisis text line in the US 741-741 the suicide hotline “lifeline” 1-800-273-8255)

 

I met a man while signing up to volunteer, just before the holidays. We dated some, but became better friends (and still are good friends) than anything else. He was going through a rough time as well. We became a support system for each other. He was the only one I felt fully understood where I was coming from. He told me one day while walking around in the park, that he was considering a big move across the country to start fresh. He suggested I might want to do the same. My lease was up at the end of that month. I told my landlord I may be moving out of the state, and if I stayed it likely wouldn’t be a full year. It was a small, privately-owned house. The owners informed me they were going to sell it anyway, and asked if I could be out by the end of the month. That meant I had two weeks. My friend however wasn’t sure when he was going. He had to get a few things in order still. Later, health issues kept him from traveling. 

I sold and gave away most of my things. My friend who suggested the move, arranged for my mother to come for a surprise visit to stay with me the last few days before I moved. This was such a shock, but amazing to have my mom at this time. I don’t think she knew how bad I was. Of course I didn’t want to upset her. She knew I was struggling and agreed a big move might be best. I was very fearful all the time. Even though I had a restraining order and knew my ex didn’t know where I lived. I also had a couple good friends that I knew I could call in a pinch. 

I got on a bus for a three day ride with a one-way ticket. 

To add insult to injury, the first person to sit next to me was a shady looking character who was slurring his words, non-stop talking, and had a “water” bottle. He spilled his drink on my seat. I stood up quickly, and knew at that point, it was not water in his bottle. He then tried to wipe off the seat of my pants. He put his hands on my bottom, rubbing the booze into my soaked jeans! I thought, of all people, this person had to sit next to me?!?

Luckily we were just coming to a rest stop. The driver let me get my bag from under the bus and change my clothes. The drunk was not allowed back on. I was numb.

I had a place lined up for a live-in job. This was someone I knew, (or thought I did) online from a divorce forum, that ran a business out of their home. That situation ended up being something entirely different and unsafe, not what I was led to believe it was. I found my way to a live-in caretaker job within three weeks. I was feeling pretty proud of getting out of that situation so quickly. 

I was pet sitting, house sitting and caretaking the first  and into the second year in California. 

I met and fell in love with my now third husband. We both had been through such terrible times with our exes. As he put it once, we were “strongly professing our independence, as we were both falling in love.“ 

Neither of us were particularly looking for or ready for anything serious. We went on a lot of hikes and ate a lot of pizza together. We got along like old friends from the very beginning. We brought some light into eachothers darkness, but cautiously not getting too involved with each others’ lives. 

I started therapy. I was still having nightmares, barely sleeping, very anxious and depressed. I was so grateful not to have the responsibility and pressure of nursing. I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue at all. Within my therapy I was having a lot of trouble remembering and speaking about everything. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) This was very helpful. I realized things from my childhood that were causes of how I ended up in the situations I had. That was empowering to know the reasons. How one thing led to another and where my point of view came from. There were reasons and I could see it. We worked on emotions and processed through the worst situations. 

When I started therapy I told the therapist that  I had a bad divorce, and was verbally/emotionally  abused and moved across the country but, I couldn’t remember the whole event from the day I left my ex husband. I told her that I was still anxious, suicidal and not sleeping. At that time, I had no idea all the stuff from my childhood had anything to do with any of this. I had no idea that I was having post traumatic symptoms or even C- PTSD (complex PTSD). See part one: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/12/04/my-own-story-part-one/

Memories started coming back.

There had been missing pieces to the night I left, I couldn’t remember it fully.  I started writing a book to tell my story, and hopefully help the memories.  I was healing and starting to feel better.  I wanted, as I do now with this condensed version, to show people you can come back from a rough childhood and very low points. I had nightmares occasionally and flashes of the abuse in my waking state as well. 

This is when I realized I had actually been knocked unconscious. I remembered being in the closet on the floor, I couldn’t piece together how I got there and where he was. It was all coming back. 

My now husband, ‘Significant other’ at that time, was supportive and encouraging, without any pity or treating me as though I was damaged. I needed this relationship to be equal. I didn’t need pity, or a savior/hero. He had been through much the same and understood. Knowing he understood and us being able to openly talk about it, was very helpful. 

Back to nursing

I did end up getting my nursing license changed to be valid in California.  I was definitely feeling more stable and more independent. I still had a hard time, not just personally but with nursing all together. See my article on why I left nursing here: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/10/24/why-i-left-nursing/ 

Please know this is my own experience and I’m not speaking for the whole of nurses or ALL medical facilities. I was very frustrated in my career for many reasons.

We moved in together and I got back to work on my book, thinking things are finally settling down. I started painting during this time. Mainly as a stress reliever, a form of self art therapy. To get some creativity flowing and let go of the stress from my nursing job. I had never picked up a paintbrush other than to paint a wall in my adult life. I didn’t care about the outcome. It was in the action of painting, the doing of,  that was so therapeutic and relaxing for me. It still is, a year later. 

I was asking for clarity in meditations knowing that nursing wasn’t for me, knowing there had to be something else I was supposed to be doing. Then I was called from the universe, through dreams, hypnotherapy and meditations to get back to hypnotherapy. (in part one I tell of taking a holistic health course where I went on to focus on hypnotherapy) I went for an interview with a small school close to home and had a serious deja vu experience like never before. 

I started my classes and became certified. Such a dream come true. This is all during the pandemic, we had to switch our classes to zoom. My significant other and I married on my 54th birthday, no ceremony, nothing, we got dressed up, we wore our masks and signed the papers etc and went to eat to celebrate. We both felt much closer even through the lockdowns and quarinteins of covid. We both were so very thankful to be spending so much time together and not stuck in this with our exes . It made our relationship stronger. As my son put it we had a social distance bonding formality rather than a “wedding”  

Here we are, still in the throes of covid. Very happily married for six months at the time of this writing. We’ve been living together for three years now. Three of my paintings have sold. Two  have been printed in a magazine. My Hypnotherapy dream is getting closer and closer. 

The moral of the story is, that there is always hope! You really never know. Nothing is impossible. 

Thank you so very much for reading my story, and for being here. This was hard to write it all out. I do firmly believe that it’s very helpful to share your story. It’s therapeutic for the writer and the reader as well. I do not intend for this to make anyone sad, uneasy or provoke sympathy. I have, as stated, been through therapy and living a very happy life now. I look forward to the future. I do hope that whatever you’re going through, or have been through, that you too can look forward with hope.

Feel free to reach out with any thoughts on this, or any other of my articles. I love hearing from you. Any questions about hypnotherapy or ideas for a future blog post.

Pamela Topjian LVN, CHt