You can see part one here: http://hypnobreakthrough.com/index.php/2020/12/04/my-own-story-part-one/
On to part two….
I left part one with all that had happened in 2007, with divorcing and marrying again as a pivotal point of the hardest years to follow.
That marriage was very much a roller coaster ride. He had his own mental health issues that at the time, I felt could be helped once he was able to get the help he needed. I was a new nurse working night shift at a hospital. At this point I loved nursing. I knew as a nurse I would have good health insurance and once he was on the road to getting his issues dealt with by a professional he would be back to the caring soul I used to know. I didn’t know anything about alcoholics or addiction at this time. He worked off and on, he was drinking a lot, self medicating for sure.
The main income was my responsibility. The money seemed to be off, all the time. I couldn’t grasp what was going on. I was new to handling any budget as my first husband was the one in charge and always made it very clear it was his money. I was also going through issues with my young teen daughter that was given the freedom to come and go at either house, her dads or with me in an apartment. At first it was going great, before I married.
I was naïve and trusted my first husband to take care of things and keep to his word. This was my first BIG mistake and the second even worse mistake was marriage number two.
To try to make a long story short and hit the basic points of how difficult these years were; My daughter didn’t want to come around, the new husband was always drunk, obnoxious and was very suspicious of everything and everyone. Money kept disappearing, debt was a part of life, we moved a lot (leaving the details to my autobiography/memoir, which is in the works as well).
This led to us moving out of state, and not seeing my daughter for years. I feel so much guilt around this now. However at the time, I did feel it would help the situation. I always thought things were going to get better in the marriage with each new step, new job or move. That my daughter could visit and I didn’t need to stay in the area where my ex was, where things were only getting worse between her and I. This did not go as hoped. I felt so alone and confused. My marriage was getting more mentally and verbally abusive as time went on. In the early stages even as I was older, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage just past the 3 month mark, so we had told everyone. Of course, that was a blessing in disguise.
My (adult) son was having serious personal issues that also led to a separation between him and I. He was under my care his whole childhood at least. He was living a very unhealthy and dangerous lifestyle. I won’t go into those details, as that is his own story. He is in my life now and we are closer than ever.
My sister was the worst as far as betrayal, and disloyalty. To this day – more than 10 year later our relationship is rocky. Again, more details will be in my book/memoir.
I took classes to go higher in my nursing, going for my BSN but that ended barely before it got started. I wasn’t getting sleep, he was not supportive and I still had to work full time. I thought if I could go higher in my nursing degree I would have better job options. I was always more natural and decided to go for a holistic health course, less stressful and actually therapeutic for me to be in that environment. Learning about energy work, and holistic health modalities. Some spiritual classes as well. I made some great friends there, and one I’m still in touch with to this day. This is where I was introduced to hypnotherapy. I went on to put my focus there, and completed that level one and two course. I had a dream for a healing gardens holistic health center, it never left me. Life had me go through a few more obstacles before I could get close to that dream.
I felt stuck. Looking back, I am shocked I felt that way. I would have been so much better off on my own. I know that I felt guilty, he was in pain himself, deep pain, and I wasn’t able to help him. If I left, it was like leaving a person who developed a physical illness, because it was too hard to deal with. That’s how I felt, until it came to my attention all the lies and drug use.
Near the end he was a monster, a literal monster, not himself at all. I wondered actually if he was possessed. However, in hindsight, having worked in detox and recovery, it was the drugs mixed with alcohol. That last year of our marriage I would come home from a 12 or 16 hour shift at work on the Alzheimer’s unit to him yelling in my face. Being accused of something all the time, he was sure I wasn’t at work. Sometimes he was asleep in the yard, or laying on the kitchen floor with the refrigerator open. I knew he wasn’t safe to be alone. I was very concerned at this point not yet fully realizing all that was going on; I was concerned with the possibility of early onset dementia or some other mental disorder or illness. More often than not he was incoherent and unable to fully care for himself.
I took over his medical care, and got him in to see a few different doctors and mental health professionals. He ended up in one mental health facility after another. Which was not very much easier on me as one might think, other than knowing what I was going to come home to, and able to sleep a little better. I was going to visit him when I was so exhausted and nearing a nervous breakdown myself. I couldn’t get information from his doctors, and I was baffled and frustrated by this. I now know that he would have to have signed papers that said it was okay to share information with his wife, he obviously didn’t want that.
He would come home with new prescriptions and soon go back to the same behaviour or worse. I did everything I knew how to help set up the house to be safer for him and to make sure he took his medications as prescribed etc. Not unlike my Alzheimer’s patients at work.
After the 3rd facility I was sobbing in my car a lot, I was breaking down and exhausted. I was trying to be there for my husband, feeling hopeless and helpless. Until, one of my friends whose husband had worked with him told me to check around the house in his closet or any place he may hide things. I had to pack him some extra clothes since he was staying longer at this facility and as I did I found a little bottle of whiskey in his closet, I then remembered what my friend said and found more bottles all over the house.
I knew I was done at this point. I still didn’t want to leave him until he was set on his own and was equipped to take care of himself or find another place. Everything started coming to light. He came home and I told him what I found and that I was divorcing him, but would let him get on his feet first. I did nothing at all to help him anymore.
Not long after that I came home one day after another long shift at work. He was awake and just in a rage. I went straight to my room and closed the door, no locks on the door so when he opened it I told him to just please leave me alone and then put something in front of the door. That night I ended up being beat up, knocked out in my closet and waking up calling the police to be able to leave. I didn’t remember the details until the following year. I had blocked much of it out until I was able to get some therapy.
I filled my car with a few of my belongings and never went back. I had a friend that I spent two nights on her couch while I got my own place etc. While speaking to my divorce lawyer I found out many lies he had told me about his past. I really didn’t know this person that I married so quickly at all.
I do apologize, this seems to have gotten out of hand. It’s much longer than expected, and I will need to add a part three. Thank you so much for reading up to this point. I hope you will get out of all of this, that it’s okay to share your story, it can be empowering. You are not alone, I know my story is not that different than so many others. I hope some of my red flags that I missed, will empower you to notice yours.
The best is yet to come (I promise)
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